Learning to Write Again

(NOTE BEFORE READING: listen to this while reading, it kinda makes ya feel like you’re at the end, yet the beginning).

When I was a freshman in high school, I worked a month for my neighbor. In return, he gave me my very first guitar. It was an acoustic, and it was beautiful. I tried playing, but it hurt my fingers. So, I borrowed my uncles electric and went to town. It took a couple nights, but I learned my first song: rock + roll by EDEN.

(pictured above is me and my friend recording my first EP ‘in the woods forever’ in 2020!)

After that, I went crazy! I was learning songs from McCafferty, AJR, Oh Wonder, and very few songs from bands that people actually know. But, I mostly learned McCafferty. At this point in my life, I was obsessed with that band. I was enthralled with the authentic lyrics, the frontman sang with such conviction I could not help but be engaged. With that, my early sound was heavily inspired by this band. I wrote a lot about breakups, hurt caused by loved ones, mistakes I’d made, and mostly edgy sad things.

Getting into song writing, I found it was so easy to go deep into the darkness, to thrive in my sadness, and to write about the anger in me. To often sing about things that hurt enabled me to live in a mind that was insecure and unwell. I hated so much about me. And looking back, I realize why this was the case; I marinated in hurt. I pondered so often about what others had inflicted on me, or what I had inflicted on them, and hurt myself over it. I hated who I was, and I wanted to write about that. It was what I was knew. Being sad and angry was what I was comfortable in.

After almost five years of this something changed; I found God. I began to build my heart around this God that loved me for who I was and what I am. That didn’t mean God wasn’t going to change me, but it meant He loved me then as I was and loves me now as I am. With that, I slowly but surely grew. I read my Bible, asked many questions, and prayed.

With this acceptance and peace of mind, it started to become quite difficult to write. I wanted to stick to writing like I had used to before I became happy, before I accepted God. But, I had a hard time being angry and upset like I had before. With this, I had stopped writing. For almost two years, I have barely written anything new. I have had ideas here and there. But, my last solid rock song I wrote in college late 2022. Other than that, God really had brought me peace of mind.

I found myself writing small pieces of songs that reflected the joy in my life. This was hard to complete though. What was at one point an easy thing to do had become a very difficult task to complete. I was starting to wonder if God was ok with me writing music at all. With this, I halted playing shows after my most recent at The Rockwood Music Hall (NYC May 2024), and went on an indefinite hiatus. I stopped going to concerts, and started to prioritize listening to gospel music.

I devoted all of my time to God and went to Heartland Baptist Bible College in Oklahoma City. While there, I started to write a bit more about accounts in the Bible and the goodness of God. After a couple months, I left the school search for my mom since she had gone missing. It was a bit melancholy since I had been dealing with some hard challenges there, but sincerely wanted to grow as a man of God.

Getting back home, I got back into a regular full time job and slowly started going to concerts again. With this, good conversations were enabled, and I felt good about writing. Specifically, my friend Sean of Counterproductive invited me over while some bands rehearsed. One band there called Tiger Really was composed of some really nice people. One individual in particular, Chad (a fill in drummer from Michael Cera Palin since TG’s drummer couldn’t come) had provoked some good thoughts in me. Why not let my sound grow outside of rock? Why not let my soul guide my hand, and let it flow? You shouldn’t force sound.

I reactivated my Instagram that night, and now I am writing about God. Specifically, I am writing a song right now called “The Lo-Ammi Blues” about the book of Hosea and the difficulty of serving God. It is not sunshine and rainbows, but it is with love.

For so long, I felt compelled to write about hurt. I wrote about harm done, and sadness and anger and all sorts of negativity. I found it easier to write about the bad things in my life than the goodness in it. To be totally honest, this is still the case. It still can be hard to write about the wonderful things I am blessed with.

However, I still strive to write in a light manner. I intend on releasing the songs that the younger, lost, and sad version of myself wrote. I want to show the world what I am. I want to speak what was on my heart years ago. And then, I want to release what I am writing now, and let that be a picture of what love can do to someone.

To close this out, be gracious and loving to your fellow man. Don’t be afraid to be authentic, even if it requires sacrifice. The following thought occurred to me earlier today when reading my friend Etai’s post on here; a life lived in truth is so much better than a life lived in deceit. I do not say deceit in the manner of lying to others and hurting to get what you want. Rather, deceiving yourself into thinking you’re happy. I would rather work a job that pays enough to scrape by but kindles joy than a job that pays stacks of cash but is comparable to torture. In essence, authenticity is key, otherwise you’ll find yourself miserable, just trying to please people who don’t really care about the real you.

Be you. Write your truth. Love your fellow man, you never know what that stranger sitting next to you is going through.

Thank you. God bless you.